Why Won't My Brazilian Partner Speak Portuguese With Me?

Your partner was born in Brazil, but won't speak Portuguese with you or help you practice? If you've ever wondered why your Brazilian partner won't speak Portuguese with you, don't worry: it's way more common than you think, and it almost never comes down to a lack of love or interest.

As a Brazilian and a Portuguese teacher, I've seen this happen over and over with students whose Brazilian boyfriend won't speak Portuguese with them, or whose girlfriend switches straight back to English. Here and in the video I walk you through the 5 most common reasons your partner won't speak Portuguese with you, from the language you met in to the famous "perfect Portuguese" syndrome.

And most importantly: I'll give you practical ideas to learn Portuguese with your partner without pressure, turn everyday chats into steady practice and, along the way, learn how to say partner in Portuguese so your next conversation starts on the right foot.

Video: My Partner Won't Speak Portuguese With Me

In this video I explain, in just a few minutes, why your Brazilian partner won't speak Portuguese with you and what you can do to change that without pressure. If you'd rather read, each reason is explained below with ideas to practice Portuguese with your partner.

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1. You met speaking another language

The first reason your partner won't speak Portuguese with you is that your relationship was born in another language, and that language becomes part of how the two of you connect. Switching languages feels weird, almost like meeting a different version of the person. If you want to understand how relationships work over here, check out the stages of a relationship in Brazil.

Most couples meet speaking English or Spanish.

So that's the language the relationship grows stronger in.

Switching to Portuguese would be a different way of bonding, and the other person can feel like a stranger when they speak another language, since even their facial expressions change.

That happens to me when I speak Portuguese with someone I became friends with in Spanish.

2. Not everyone likes to teach

Just because your partner speaks Portuguese doesn't mean they know how to teach it: explaining grammar, correcting without hurting feelings and being patient are separate skills. That's why it often works better to leave the lessons to a teacher and use the relationship to practice. Here I explain which is better, a native or non-native teacher.

Maybe your partner likes you a lot, but isn't interested in teaching you, doesn't know how or doesn't have the patience.

Or the other way around.

It's happened to me before: I wanted to teach my partner, but they got so stressed out that it ruined the moment.

You need patience to teach and to learn.

In fact, I recorded a video about how I teach Portuguese to foreigners.

Article in Portuguese: Como ensinar português para seu namorado/namorada

3. Your levels should be on par

When your levels are very different, speaking Portuguese with your partner gets exhausting: the native speaker has to simplify everything and you take forever to put each sentence together. The closer you get to how people really talk in Brazil, the easier the conversation will be, and that's where learning everyday informal Portuguese helps.

It's really hard to use a language with the person you love when it creates an imbalance.

What do I mean by that?

If you both speak English well and one of you is Brazilian, speaking Portuguese puts one of you at a disadvantage.

On top of that, the Brazilian will get frustrated with how inefficient the conversation feels.

They'll feel like they have to speak slower or use simpler words to be understood.

Meanwhile, the other person will take a long time to put a message together and may not even find the right words to say what they mean.

And you surely want to connect with the other person as quickly as possible.

The "perfect Portuguese" syndrome

The "perfect Portuguese" syndrome is waiting until you can speak without a single mistake before you dare to use the language with your partner, and that moment almost never comes. Mistakes are part of the process: what matters is to start speaking Portuguese without embarrassment and fix the big ones over time.

It's also common for people to wait for that perfect "big moment" when they'll speak without making any mistakes.

Don't worry if your partner doesn't want to speak Portuguese with you.

You can use this list of ice breaker questions to talk about anything in Portuguese.

Maybe you can ask them to help you when they notice you're making a bigger mistake, especially with false friends.

You also shouldn't get offended if you've been talking in one language and they throw in a word in Portuguese, but still insist on not teaching you.

Take a look at this list of the best apps to meet people and practice Portuguese.

Clearly this has to do with the fact that they don't know how, or don't feel comfortable expressing that idea in a second language, but it doesn't mean they'll keep speaking their native language.

Does something like this happen with your partner?

Getting over the fear of speaking Portuguese

Sometimes the problem isn't your partner, it's you: the fear of making mistakes in front of the person you love can make you prefer to stick to English. A good way to build confidence is to practice with other people first, for example in a WhatsApp group to practice Portuguese, and then bring that confidence home.

Sometimes your partner who speaks Portuguese will want to practice the language with you, and you'll be the one saying no.

Maybe because of stage fright, or simply because you want to speak the language you're more fluent in.

(Full post here)

How to learn Portuguese with your partner

To practice Portuguese with your partner without it turning into a class, the trick is to bring the language into short, fun moments of your day, not long, forced conversations. Here are some ideas that work for my students:

• Agree on a 10 or 15 minute "Portuguese moment" every day, for example during dinner or in the car.
• Use a list of spicy questions in Portuguese once you're comfortable with each other, so the conversation flows on its own.
• Watch Brazilian telenovelas together or listen to songs in Portuguese and talk about what you understood.
• Ask them to correct only the serious mistakes, not every little detail, so neither of you gets frustrated.
• Learn to say sweet things, starting with the ways to say I love you in Portuguese.

How do you say partner in Portuguese?

There are several ways to say partner in Portuguese depending on the context, because there's no single word that covers every meaning of "partner": we use casal to talk about the two people together, and namorado, companheiro or parceiro (with their feminine forms) to talk about your significant other. These are the most useful ones:

Casal

Casal is the couple, seen as two people together, whether they're dating or married. It's the word we use in Brazil to say two people make a great couple, and you'll also hear "fazem um par perfeito" (they're a perfect match).

• "Eles formam um casal muito bonito." (They make a really beautiful couple.)

Namorado / namorada

Namorado and namorada mean boyfriend and girlfriend: the partner you're in an official relationship with, but not married to. That's where the verb "namorar" (to date someone) comes from, one of the stages of a relationship in Brazil.

• "Minha namorada é de Recife e fala muito rápido." (My girlfriend is from Recife and talks really fast.)

Companheiro / companheira

Companheiro or companheira is the partner you live with or share your life with, married or not. It's a neutral, respectful word, very common in more formal conversations, a lot like "life partner" in English.

• "Meu companheiro não quer falar português comigo." (My partner doesn't want to speak Portuguese with me.)

Parceiro / parceira

Parceiro or parceira can also be your romantic partner, but in Brazil it's used much more for a business partner, a teammate or a good buddy, just like "partner" in English can mean very different things. Always check the context, as I explain in the ways to address someone in Portuguese.

• "Minha parceira me ajuda a praticar português todo dia." (My partner helps me practice Portuguese every day.)

Marido / esposa

Marido and esposa mean husband and wife. "Esposa" is easy to remember if you think of "spouse". In everyday conversation you'll also hear "minha mulher" when someone talks about their wife.

• "Meu marido é brasileiro, mas em casa a gente fala espanhol." (My husband is Brazilian, but at home we speak Spanish.)

Cônjuge

Cônjuge means spouse, the formal word for husband or wife that you'll see on documents, visa paperwork and forms. It's almost never used in casual conversation.

• "Preencha o formulário com os dados do seu cônjuge." (Fill out the form with your spouse's information.)

Ficante

Ficante is the person you're seeing casually, before the relationship is official, a bit like a "situationship". It comes from the verb "ficar", which in this context means hooking up or making out with someone without being boyfriend and girlfriend. And if you're still in the flirting stage, learn how to flirt in Portuguese.

• "Ele ainda não é meu namorado, é só meu ficante." (He's not my boyfriend yet, we're just seeing each other.)

Has your partner given you another reason?

Every couple is different, and the reasons someone doesn't want to speak their native language can be very personal. What matters is to talk about it calmly and find a way to practice together that you both enjoy.

Share in the comments if your partner has given you any other reason for not wanting to help you learn Portuguese.

If you liked this article, feel free to share it with other people who are also learning Portuguese.